Once more unto the breach, dear friends. We’re going to talk about the biggest monster movie since the last biggest monster movie, and that’s Godzilla, Kong, Godzilla x Kong, Godzilla crossover with whatever. You get the idea. And the movie is, surprisingly, a lot of fun.
People go into these things with so many different points of view and so many different expectations. I went into this expecting nothing more than a fun monster flick, and we got that.
It doesn’t help that this movie came out hot on the heels of Godzilla Minus One, because that falsely set some expectations for some folks. Oh, well, if this is what the Toho version looks like, then our version’s got to be that much more amazing. It is, but for different reasons.
A Steak Dinner and a Good Burger
I saw a really great example of this. If Godzilla Minus One is a filet mignon steak dinner, all meat, potato, steak, the whole bit, then Godzilla x Kong, or at least this series of Godzilla flicks, is a good Whataburger or a good Five Guys burger. A quality fast food burger. I’d have to agree with that, as long as we’re talking good fast food and nothing cheap, if such a thing is to exist.
The last movie, I believe it was Godzilla vs. Kong or something like that, felt like it began to go in a direction. I didn’t necessarily know what that direction was or why it was going there, but it went there. Then the Monarch show came out, and the Monarch show filled in some gaps that really helped me with the storytelling. And then you get to this movie.
Saturday Afternoons
I remember Saturday mornings. Waking up, my bowl of cereal, sitting down to a bunch of cartoons. Right after the cartoons, they’d start these afternoon creature feature type things. Sometimes they’d go half and half, and other times it’d be straight up Godzilla monster movies. Sometimes it was the Sentai stuff that later on became Power Rangers. A lot of things happened on Saturday afternoons.
So when I’d watch these, I was already in the bag for anything having to do with science fiction or fantasy. Next thing you know, you’re seeing the magic girls, the twins, and they’re doing stuff, and you get giant Mothra with magic happening. I’d see Ultraman fighting Godzilla. Everything from sci-fi and fantasy. There was always a supernatural aspect, even if no one ever really talked about it.
So when I go into this movie, I’m not in any way, shape or form surprised. Other people are like, I guess the girl’s psychic now or whatever, and they get real upset at certain parts. And I’m thinking, you have no clue what a Godzilla movie is. Because I’ve watched Godzilla movies, and they do 100% this. This one brings out aspects we’ve never seen done in this series before, and I really like the way they pulled it off.
Ten Minutes, No Dialogue
Brian Tyree Henry does an amazing job as the same character from the last movie, and everyone they bring in does a really, really good job being what they are. But the humans have very little to do with the story. It’s a back door.
There’s a scene that takes easily 10 minutes from start to finish, which is a big chunk of the movie’s runtime. Kong gets ambushed by some really mean looking ape guys and he beats the tar out of them. Then this little teeny baby ape comes in, the one you’ve seen in the trailers, and he tries to double cross him. So Kong picks him up and uses him as a weapon. It’s hilarious. He’s swinging this little baby around, just whacking things with him. It’s awesome. And when he’s finally the winner, he basically takes this little dude under his wing.
There was no dialogue. You saw everything through the characters the monsters are portraying, and I understood the story. I feel like the studio did a really good job taking our notes. Fans don’t care about the human story, the human story is whatever, and the human story here was exactly that. It was whatever. You see very little of Monarch. You see the team, and that’s all you really needed.
Why Do I Care? He Has a Power Glove
There’s one part a lot of people joke about, and I remember thinking to myself, this is mad, mad convenient. It’s where Kong gets the power glove.
It goes something like this. I don’t know what we’re going to do about his hand, because his hand’s all hurt from the freezing ice monster. And the answer is, what about operation power up? Are you serious? Yeah. It just so happens the prototype was finished before they pulled the plug. So the whole thing was done, the government pulled the plug, and it’s just been sitting down here in Hollow Earth. Exactly where they needed it, exactly when they needed it.
Not to mention that everybody’s telling us he has very little time. We’ve been in the movie a little over an hour by now, and that’s how long the trip down took. He manages to get all the way back to where we started like that, in a mirror version of the same ship he showed up in to help Kong with his bad tooth, which is a whole thing in the story. So the ship that wasn’t here is here, the glove they need is also here, and he picks it up and flies it over to where they are with no issue whatsoever.
That’s when I stopped and went, why do I care? Kong has a power glove now. He’s awesome. And it’s great.
No More Ice Ages
Then we get to see Shimo. I guess she’s the ice Godzilla, a sort of icy white stegosaurus thing with ice ridges, and she shoots an ice breath that, according to legend, caused the last ice age.
You ever notice that when sci-fi wants to show the severity of an ice threat, it’s always that this thing caused the last ice age? I’m not even kidding. Ghostbusters just had an ice enemy, and that one is also what caused the last ice age. So I’m putting a moratorium, from now on, on referencing an ice age with an ice villain. No more.
Kong’s Movie All Day
I don’t know why they called it Godzilla x Kong. They should’ve just called it Kong and Friends, because it’s Kong’s movie all day. We spend more time in storytelling with Kong than we do with Godzilla.
Apparently Godzilla used some kind of monster radar, detected that there was a problem, and decided he was going to need to power up, because he’s hopping around the globe and straight up sucking up nuclear energy. There’s one particular Titan who is nothing but irradiated pink energy, hence why we get pink Godzilla later. Fabulous Godzilla, flashing his pink ground effects.
Even down to when Kong goes up top to get Godzilla, because he clearly needs the help. He shows up, Godzilla comes running straight at him, and Kong’s got his arm out like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. He didn’t say it, but that’s what he’s doing. Then it’s down to Hollow Earth, and it’s all one big rumble down there.
I didn’t think the Skar King was all that big a threat. I really didn’t. I feel like the Skar King was kind of a chumpy threat. We get that he’s enslaved the other apes, and they give us the visuals. They’re clearly in the slave line, and the other mean apes are cracking whips. They clearly wanted to borrow a page from the Planet of the Apes playbook. It just didn’t jive for me, him sitting on his throne with his whip.
Then again, I’m thinking too much about a Titan movie. It’s Godzilla. Okay. Whatever.
Story wise, there’s not a whole lot going on here. Movie wise, I enjoyed the heck out of this. It was fun. I’ll watch it again as soon as it comes out. I’ll watch it all day. Seriously.
The Verdict
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire lands at a 7.5 out of 10 on the Know-It-All Index. Or Godzilla x Kong: The Frozen Empire. You see what I did there. Sorry. The New Empire.
There’s not a lot here substance wise. Some people sit here and go, no, all movies must be held to the same standards. Look, there’s not a lot of story here, not on its face. There is, but it’s the kind of story you’re used to. I take these things where they live, how they are, at face value. Doing all of that, I’m giving this movie easily a seven and a half out of 10.
It is what it is.
I’d love to know your thoughts on the Godzilla movie. Did you enjoy it, or did you not? Are you in the bag for these things like I am? Because no matter what, I’m going to go day one. The conversation lives in the comments on the video above.
