What’s up my know-it-alls!? Christmas is nearly upon us, and children all over the world are looking forward to a visit from Santa Claus. You all know the story. The jolly, bearded old man with the red suit goes around the world delivering presents to all the good boys and girls. He has a workshop in the North Pole where he makes toys with the elves, and he makes his trip around the world in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. We all grew up with him, and he brought joy to our hearts every Christmas season.
There’s a problem, though. People are saying that Santa isn’t real. Either it’s parents telling the children this, or people just grow to a certain age and stop believing in him. They give reasons, like each Santa you see at a mall or department store looks different, or that there’s no way one man could go around the world in one night and deliver presents to all the good children.
Of course those Santas you see out in public aren’t real. Santa’s way too busy to come down and make public appearances. He’s working on a tight schedule. As for the second point, I agree. No normal man could do what he’s able to do. But there’s nothing normal about Santa Claus.
In our modern age, with Marvel movies, Superman, Spider-Man and all the rest, it’s not difficult to see Santa is a superhuman being with multiple powers. There, I said it. Now, I know Marvel Comics has a Santa character. I’m not talking about some fictional guy. I’m talking about the big man himself. Much like the superheroes we read about and watch on TV and in movies, Santa uses his powers to help those in need and make the world a better place.
By the way, he doesn’t just have one power, or two. There are no less than nine powers that jolly old Saint Nick has, and those are only the ones that have been put on record by the few observers who have seen them used. With these powers, Santa is more powerful than Superman. Practically a demigod. We should all be thankful he uses his powers to bring joy and not to enslave the human race.
Number Nine: Santa Is Omniscient
Omniscient is defined by two simple words: knowing everything. It’s like the song says. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and he knows if you’ve been bad or good. Santa’s been keeping track of the behavior of children all around the world, and he’s able to do it because he can see everywhere.
Do you realize how much time it would take him to go around the world, take note of every child, and write down whether they’ve been naughty or nice? The man is busy enough as it is. Why else do you think he’s outsourced his mall and department store appearances to actors wearing cheap beards?
Unless the elves are like some North Pole bound version of the NSA. At the same time, he can’t send the elves out to spy on the children. Elves don’t always blend in well, and it can be difficult to bail an elf out of jail when they’ve been arrested for breaking and entering while they were trying to see if little Susie did her chores like her mother asked her to.
No, the simple fact is that Santa has the innate ability to see everything. All he has to do is think of a child’s name and he can see how they’ve been behaving over the past year. From there he decides whether they go on the naughty or nice list, and if they’ve been nice, he’ll know what present to give them.
This made me wonder whether he needs the list at all. But then I realized that just because he can see everywhere doesn’t mean he can retain all that knowledge, which is why he has to write it down. He must have a warehouse full of file cabinets with all the records he keeps.
Number Eight: Santa Talks to Animals
It’s one thing if you’re driving a horse and buggy along a road. But this is Santa and his reindeer we’re talking about. They’re flying through the air, visiting almost every house in the world. Santa needs a lot more than a harness to point them where they need to go.
The explanation is simple. He’s able to communicate with animals. Now, I should mention that Santa’s reindeer are smarter than most of the animals on Earth. The problem is that they still aren’t able to speak any human language. It’s a good thing Santa can speak the reindeer language. He just hooks them up with a two-way headset, and he can give them directions from the sled with his own headset, just like pilots communicating with air traffic controllers.
Number Seven: Santa Can Manipulate Time
This is one power that’s a necessity. Making toys and presents to deliver around the world, that’s easy. But to do it all in one night? It can’t be done, unless you can bend the laws of space-time. And that’s one thing our bearded benefactor is great at.
It’s unclear whether Santa can travel backwards and forwards through time. I don’t really want to think about it, because it could imply that Santa may have the ability to alter the past at some point and potentially change the course of history.
At the very least, we know that Santa can slow down time to a point where it’s almost stopped. Now, instead of having only eight or nine hours to deliver presents, he can take his time stopping at each house. This also allows him more time to enjoy the milk and cookies set out for him. By the time he gets back to the North Pole, Christmas morning has arrived, and he can take a well-deserved rest knowing that every present was delivered and every child is happy.
Number Six: Santa Can Create Portals
Or, more accurately, wormholes, seemingly at will.
I have no trouble believing that Santa and his elves are making such a large quantity of toys year-round. It’s no different from the corporations that churn out products in their factories day in and day out. The problem is that there’s no way he can fit those presents into one sack. It would take a city to hold all of his deliveries.
Now, most people are under the assumption that he has one of those bottomless sacks that are seen in video games and RPGs. You know the ones. Me, I’ve got something a little bit more scientific in mind. Wormholes.
Santa not only needs to safely store the presents, but also have easy access to them. That’s where the portals come in. Santa just uses his powerful ability of opening a gateway to another universe. Once there, he refers to his organization system and finds the presents he needs to deliver. Once he finds them, he stuffs them into a sack and comes back to our world to deliver them.
He needs to be careful which universe he keeps the presents in, however. As we’ve seen in science fiction, and most recently, there are many alternate universes in the multiverse. The multiverse is real. These universes contain alternative versions of us, which means that the Earth is just as crowded there as it is here. So Santa’s going to have to specifically find universes that are either abandoned or empty, so that he can fill up as much space as he needs.
Number Five: Santa Has Super Strength
My personal favorite.
Even with the capability of creating portals, it’s still a tedious process having to go through one each time he lands at a new house. That’s why he needs the sack, and to save on time, he needs to fill it up to the brim. That’s where super strength comes in. Some of those presents can get very heavy, which is why it’s a good thing Santa is stronger than any normal human. Now, maybe he’s not Superman level, but he can carry all those toys during the night and not break a sweat.
It’s not just for the toys, however. What happens if Santa’s sleigh gets stuck? You know, he’s out on Christmas Eve, but he miscalculates the landing and the sleigh overturns. He can’t call a tow truck. They’re not equipped to deal with flying sleighs. Santa has to be able to fix the sleigh himself. Since he built the sleigh, he can break out his toolbox and fix any internal problem it might have. But thanks to the super strength, he can move the sleigh himself if it gets stuck or overturned.
Number Four: Move Over, Ant-Man
Santa has the ability to shrink. This power is used for one purpose: getting into the house.
Santa is a pretty hefty guy. Too many of those late night snacks. It’s doubtful that a normal-sized big and tall person is capable of squeezing through a chimney. However, with the ability to decrease the size of his body, Santa can shrink down to a smaller size and jump down the chimney with ease. I should mention that anything he touches also shrinks, so that sack he’s holding gets just as small. Once he’s in the house, he grows back to regular size and sets out the presents.
Also, if any of the houses he visits don’t have chimneys, he just shrinks and fits through the tiny crack between the house’s front door and the ground. Problem solved. He grows back to normal size, gets back in the sleigh, and continues his route.
Number Three: Santa Is Low-Key a Telepath
You see, although Santa can slow down time, doing it for too long can wear him out. That’s why, occasionally during the night, he needs to bring time back to its regular progression. So when he’s delivering presents, there’s the possibility that a child or an adult will see him.
That’s where his powers of telepathy, and specifically the power of suggestion, come in. If he’s spotted, he uses that power to convince the person that they haven’t seen anything. Then, when they wake up in the morning, they’ll have no recollection of Santa ever coming to their house.
Number Two: A Tony Stark Level Futurist
Santa’s not only a genius. He’s a Tony Stark level futurist genius.
Planning for Christmas can be tricky, and with technology increasing at an exponential rate, Santa needs to keep up with the times. Thankfully, his intelligence allows him to come up with new ideas and inventions that make preparing for Christmas easier. For instance, what if something happens to the reindeer? As a backup, Santa’s built in an engine that keeps the sleigh flying through the air.
Most important, however, is the camouflage machine he created to hide the North Pole. When we began to explore the North Pole earlier last century, Santa realized that he needed to do something to keep his workshop hidden. The camouflage machine not only keeps the workshop hidden from human eyes, but also keeps it shrouded from any detection devices, such as radar or satellite. Free from prying eyes, Santa and the elves can continue their work in peace, and he can keep coming up with new ideas to make sure Christmas goes more smoothly year after year.
Number One: Santa Is Immortal
And finally, the crown on this list. For all intents and purposes, Santa is an immortal being.
Santa Claus shares similar traits with many historical figures and characters, most notably Sinterklaas, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, and even the Norse god Odin. Whether these individuals are all the same person is debatable. But even if we look at the history of Santa Claus as we know him today, we can see that he’s been around for hundreds of years.
Some think the title of Santa Claus is passed down from generation to generation, but it’s really just been the same guy delivering presents for all these years. It’s not clear when he started this tradition, but ever since then, he’s been coming every Christmas Eve to deliver presents to everyone who’s been good during the year.
With decades of experience under his ample-sized belt, Santa Claus has his Christmas operation down to a fine art and science, and he will continue to be one of our most important cultural figures in the years to come.
So there you go, now you know, and if knowing’s half the battle, you’re on your way to being a Christmas know-it-all.
On behalf of Mr. and Mrs. Know-It-All, Merry Christmas, know-it-alls. I look forward to bringing you more video essays in the coming year. The conversation lives in the comments on the video above.
